Okay, that comment is a few months old, but it came from the one person I count on most for reality checks, and clearly it stayed with me. In the context of the conversation we were having, it was the right thing for her to say, and it did yank me up short and get me to change some behaviors, which was very valuable.
But I haven't been able to shake that idea that people are noticing that "I'm not myself". In a way I guess I'm glad to know it - I remember a book I read some years ago about depression in teenage girls; there was a quote from one of them, about the experience of feeling like the self she knew was vanishing - "Why didn't anyone notice? Didn't anyone miss me??"
So there's that, at least... They're noticing, and they miss me.
Guess what: I miss me, too. I miss liking myself, I miss feeling useful, I miss being confident and purposeful, and pulling my own weight. I miss my Harley. I miss living alone (half the time, anyway). I miss having my own work space. I miss knowing that I was going to be able to pay my bills. I miss smoking. I miss my health insurance. I miss trusting my own judgment.
I miss not crying Every. Fucking. Day. I miss feeling like I'm the mate Hamfist deserves - bless him, he is so tender with me, and tries his best to reassure... But I think about him being raised by an undiagnosed/untreated depressive, and it makes me feel so guilty to think that that drama is being played out in his life again. Helpful, huh?? Totally my shit, not his.
And all my friends can say is, ain't it a shame...
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